Yes. Yes, I am.

An eye is upon you, staring straight down and keenly through,
Seeing all that you are and everything that you can never be.
Yes, an eye is upon you, an eye ready to blink.
So face forward with arms wide open and mind reeling.
Your future has arrived.
Are you ready to go?

– Lyrics from An eye is upon you by Powerman 5000

If you haven’t figured it out, the post title answers that question.

I came into this month more focused on my writing than I’ve ever been. I think it has something to do with turning thirty later this month. I’ve hyped thirty up in my mind as a turning point in my life, not because I’ll be old or because I care about turning thirty. Thirty isn’t old and it’s just another birthday to me. It actually has nothing to do with the age itself, that’s just coincidence. Thirty is when I start to take control of my own destiny. Whether I succeed or fail will be completely upon my shoulders, but there will be no more coasting through life waiting for things to happen. I know I need to make them happen if I want to get anywhere. I’m willing to do that. I’ve no problem with that. I have big plans and goals and deadlines I’ve set for myself on things I want to achieve and all of these glorious ideas floating around begging to be realeased. I’m not sure how long it’ll take to achieve what I want to achieve, but thirty is where the journey begins. Of that I’m certain.

So, what’s the problem?

Time. Time is the problem. Well, not technically time itself, but lack thereof. I’ve barely written anything at all this month. Granted we’re only six days in, but I still feel like I’m slacking. I’m not really, there are just other things that need to come first at this point in my life. That’s what being a responsible adult is all about right? Making hard decisions and sacrificing what is necessary for the good of your family? Unfortunately, at this stage of the game that sacrifice has to be writing time. I don’t much care for that, but for now writing just doesn’t pay the bills. I’m not making excuses, just thinking out loud. Facing the problem head on is the only way to find a solution, so that is what I’m doing. What’s that old saying? Admitting you have a problem is the first step to recovery? Well, consider this me admitting I have a problem. Now I’ll work on finding a solution, preferably one that doesn’t wear me out physically or mentally.

Don’t worry about me though. I’m a smart cookie. I planned for times like this in my goals and deadlines. I knew things like this would happen so I accounted for it, and I must say I’m glad I did. Going into something with realistic expectations is far superior than blind faith that you can overcome impossible odds. I guess I’m just a realist in that regard, even if I’m a dreamer in most other aspects of life.

Dream big or go home, just keep the expectations in check.

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2 responses to “Yes. Yes, I am.

  • lenwilliamscarver

    24/7/365 no time? Seriously ? slow down, your to young to be putting such pressure on yourself. Enjoy the small things in life, family, your relationship with your God, nothing else is as important as those two things spend that time and you will find the other comes much easier.

    • Adam Ickes

      It’s not that I’m pushing myself too hard. I know what is important and where it falls in my overall plan. I just meant that at the time, I’m not forcing myself to write, because that would be pushing myself too hard. I will choose family over writing any day of the week, in fact I do. After work until the kiddo’s bedtime is 100% family time, no exceptions. After that is one of three things: time with the wife, second job, or writing. Lately it’s been second job because I’m in the middle of a project, hence no time to write unless I want to stay up past midnight and be a zombie the next day, and nobody wants that.

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